A Perfectly Serious Commentary: My Immortal
by Something Serious
Summary: A bored editor-wannabe reading and commentating on the infamous 'Worst-Fanfic-Ever', "My Immortal". Yes, there are a million of these. Yes, this story was published back in 2006. Yes, this commentary is still a thing. Rated M for fabled sex-scenes and the commentator's poor language filter. Genres are as they are because the commentator is pretty sure those were the original's.
1. Chapter 1

_Boredom is a powerful thing, my friends. I was in the mood to read something horrible, because I had just finished reading the totally amazing Zelda story titled Finally by Kibasgirlsumi (Which, if you're a Zelda fan, and a Zelink fan, I 100% recommend that piece of win.) It was a damn good read. _

_So of course I'm gonna poison my cleansed mind with shit. And I figured I may as well allow people to watch and enjoy my pain as I trudge through the utter slime that is known as My Immortal, by the infamous Tara Gilesbie. Don't worry though! Once I finish with this I plan to re-read Second Star by Mipiko, which in my opinion is one of the best fics in the Vocaloid fandom. (Yes, I realize I'm whoring out my favorite stories, but I'm the commentator, so go suck an egg, rabbit.) Either way, that should (hopefully) cleanse me of the filth._

_I'm going to marathon this, and hope to actually make it through all 45 chapters. I know there are a billion My Immortal commentaries, but I hope mine shall be able to entertain you. Enjoy my suffering! - Something_

* * *

Chapter 1.

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!

* * *

_First off, as a puns fan, I want to say that saying "get it" is one of the best ways to ruin a joke ever. If the person doesn't get your joke, it's probably not worth telling them the joke. Plus, "fangz" is a shit pun. Shit I say._

_Also, you sound astonishingly homophobic by saying "ew" when calling your friend Raven your girlfriend. You realize that by mentioning Justin, the "luv of your deprzzing life" you completely alleviate any need for clarification, right? Then again, just from this A/N I think you're the type of person who would__be okay with adultery if the person you were committing the act with was hot enough for you._

_...I had to Google what MCR was. No offense to My Chemical Romance listeners, but I still don't want to listen to them. I shall stay in my corner of feelsy acoustic arrangements, thank you._

* * *

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!).

* * *

_I'm okay with the name Ebony. Dementia is cool too (Though it is a memory disorder, so not a good name, but to each his own.). Raven's pushing it, but Hell, I watched Teen Titans, so I'll deal. However, Dark'ness._

_Dark'ness._

_**DARK'NESS.**_

_What the actual fuck kind of name is Dark'ness?! You sound like some stupid ghetto parent naming their child A'postrophe. (If I offend anybody, I profusely apologize. All offensive comments are intended towards Tara. How about a funny story? My mom, when she was training to be a nurse, worked in an OB GYN ward for a bit as part of her intern stuff, and a mother wanted to name her son Meconium. Cool name, right? However, Meconium is the medical term for a newborn's first bowel movement. My mom thinks that the doctor actually let that woman name her son after a baby's first shit.)_

_Also, who names their child after their (ridiculously overdetailed) hair?! That's just dumb. Almost as dumb as Dark'ness. No, I will not get over that. _

_Limpid tears makes vague sense, but it still sounds dumb. "I have clear blue eyes" works just as well, flows better, and gets your point across._

_You've compared yourself to Amy Lee. Now I can never play Bring Me to Life in Rockband ever again with a straight face. I am not happy. And unfortunately, I can't leave because I do__know who she is. (Curse you Evanescence, for being so awesome.) _

_Finally, I'm going to point out my extreme annoyance at people inserting A/N's into the middle of the story. If you want to make a note about a specific part put a little one in parentheses (1) or an asterisk (*) next to it and address it at the top and or bottom of your chapter. Don't interrupt my reading. Thank you._

* * *

I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie.

* * *

_I will gladly admit I enjoy the occasional fictional incestuous lemon or two. Emphasis here on it being fictional. Meaning, not real. The actual idea of participating in incest vaguely sickens me, because I totally do NOT want to fuck my older brother. For one thing, he's 11 years older, and for another, ew. Just ew. So wishing to be related to a celebrity so you may participate in an incestuous relationship with said celebrity is also majorly ew._

_I just googled Gerard Way. Am I going to be stoned for not finding him that hot? Robert Downey Junior's totally got him beat in my opinion-_

* * *

I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow.

* * *

_So you're one of the Cullens? If so, take a few pictures of Jasper and send them to me. And also, record his voice, for I have a thing for old Southern accents. _

_I'm also pale, but for less vampiric reasons. I wear sunblock. _

_Isn't Hogwarts technically in Scotland? (I actually never knew this until reading another commentary. I've only read the books and seen the movies. Other than taking the Pottermore quiz to figure out my House, I haven't done anything else. Oh, and if you're wondering, I was Slytherin.)_

_Seventh years tend to be seventeen. I know that Deathly Hallows wasn't out yet when this was written, but surely you could see the pattern in years/ages by then? (Then again, you do__seem to be pretty dumb.) _

_Hot Topic isn't even IN England. I just asked my friend who lives there to make sure. And your description of that totally (un)realistic outfit makes me want to burn all my Hotcash cards and never go there again._

_If you're pale, why did you need white foundation? Do you have zits? Can vampires even get zits? Consistency, Tara!_

* * *

I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

* * *

_Isn't snow and rain together called sleet? I wouldn't know; it's warm in Florida. _

_What is your definition of prep, anyways? I personally think of assholes in argyle sweaters, and not even the cool funky ones._

_Aw, you sent them a love-bird!_

* * *

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!

* * *

_I fail to see how that was in any way suspenseful. Maybe if it was something like this:_

_"__Hey Ebony!" shouted a vaguely familiar voice. I looked up, and it was….Draco Malfoy riding a unicycle wearing an 'I heart Muggles' t-shirt and a clown nose!?_

_Sorry, couldn't resist. I'm personally dying at that image in my head right now._

* * *

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly.

* * *

_I personally never liked Draco. He was always either a prick or a pussy to me. However, I know for a fact he was never a shy pussy. He was a submissive to Mummy-and-Daddy-and-Voldy pussy._

_Also, a good way to build a character's personality other than the repetition of an adverb on the end of the word said, (also, ever heard the phrase "said is dead"? It was banged into my head during fourth grade writing-), is to fiddle with the style of the dialogue. Like, trying to make Draco shy? Make the boy stutter._

_"__What's up, Draco?" I asked._

_"__N-nothing…" he mumbled shyly._

_See? Isn't that better? (Notice the proper grammar.) Make shy, submissive, and cute characters stutter. The best words are n, b, and g sounds. Don't do s's though. They get repetitive as hell, and also make sure not to make them stutter too__much, because it gets annoying. (Learned that the hard way when writing a speech-impaired character.)_

* * *

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

* * *

_I would've loved to hear some details on your friends here, Tara. Are they boys? Girls? Their hair colors? Are they also "goth"? _

_What did they want? Include some dialogue! Their conversation! Goodness, details woman! Build the story! Please?_

* * *

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!

* * *

_Judging from the first chapter alone, this story is not specifically bad. Potential could be dredged up. I think Raven was only doing the spelling/grammar part of beta-ing, for a good beta helps the author build the story and looks at things from a reader's perspective, helping to make it a better story for the reader._

_However, text speak is a no, and I have already told my views on crappy puns. _

_All in all, chapter one didn't hurt so much. Then again, I have heard that this story gets worse with progressing chapters. Wish me luck! I'd like if you guys reviewed, so I can see your opinions as well._

_Reading back on this, I feel like it degraded from commentary to me yelling ways this story could've been saved. Oh well._


	2. Chapter II

_Before I begin, first off I'd like to send a quick thank you to Avalon Kore for reviewing. I'm glad that I entertained you. _

_Anyways, here's my view of chapter 2! I would've gotten onto this sooner, but today is the final day of R-3 for a chorus battle thing on Youtube, so I've been busy enjoying the entries. I just realized that first bit rhymed. _

_Woohoo! I'm a poet! _

_Also, I forgot to put this last time:_

_DISCLAIMER: I, Something Serious, do not claim any sort of ownership over the character Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, the story My Immortal, or any of the Harry Potter franchise. These belong to Tara Gilesbie and J.K. Rowling, respectively._

* * *

Chapter 2.

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!

* * *

_I refuse to reiterate my pun philosophy, or to comment on Raven's username. However, just because I can:_

_*for, *helping, *with, *the, *chapter, *by the way, *my, *okay_

_There. I feel better._

* * *

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

* * *

_And where else would you wake up…? You know what, don't answer that. I'm scared to know._

_Coffin. You sleep in a coffin. You're a vampire who refuses to fulfill the cliche of awesome fangs but you have to live in a (fucking ugly) coffin. Damn it, Ebony. Also, I hope that blood was in a freezer, or else you're gonna get sick as hell from it. That's bad blood storage. At least Vlad in the Vladimir Chronicles stores his blood correctly._

_Still don't want to listen to MCR, though I do understand wearing just an over-sized t-shirt to bed. It's comfy._

_What exactly happened to the Hogwarts uniforms in this? And a pentagram necklace? Now you're just being silly._

_I couldn't get my ears pierced that many times, for I am a pussy. It took me three tries to get it done once, and I still tried to make a six-year-old go first. Messy bun, though. Something approves, for that is how she wears her hair most of the time._

* * *

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)

* * *

_NO A/Ns IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STORY. Sheesh. If Raven was beta-ing, she would know it was her, right? _

_So she woke up, did a boy-i-so-sexy-and-have-overly-detailed-hair hairflip, then opened her actually pretty well detailed eyes? God damn. Willow must be a superhuman. Or me on Mondays. Your choice._

_I hope you're not sharing make-up if Ebony was infected with AIDs from improperly stored blood. Also, more dumb outfits. Whoo. _

_Are capris and tank-tops really that bad, Tara? Is simplicity that bad?_

* * *

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.

* * *

_I wonder if she said "Oh my fucking God" or if she actually screamed the acronym. Either way, this feels like you're gossipping in a pretty "prep" way._

* * *

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

* * *

_Can vampires even blush? I mean, they lack blood flow._

* * *

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted.

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

* * *

_Language, Tara! Watch your fucking mouth! /slapped_

_Of course there's no gothic Ravenclaws...that would be so awesome. Listening to screamo as they smarticle you into oblivion. (If I offend anybody with my stereotypes, I apologize. I'm just a person. Ehe.)_

* * *

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily.

* * *

_How does one reply flirtily? I imagine winking and holding up a bottle of whipped cream._

* * *

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.

* * *

_Chicken butt! (hehe sorry sorry not sorry)_

* * *

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped.

* * *

_I know for a fact that Good Charlotte is a Muggle band, and Draco Malfoy is too much of a pissy Pureblood to listen to a Muggle band. Plus, did they even exist back in Harry Potter times? (whenever those are.)_

_Again, LANGUAGE. And how come you explain what GC is, but not MCR? I'm starting to think you may not know what MCR stands for, Tara. _

_I gasped, and then…?_

_Draco blew up? Buckbeak flew in and whisked you away into a world of gothic architecture and cotton candy? You got slapped in the face? A hobo walked up to you and started dancing for twenty dollars?_

_Your cliffhangers suck, Tara._

_Chapter 2, pretty suckish, but not deserving of the title "worst-fanfic-ever". Maybe it'll get worse with chapter three? I've heard that's where the first sex scene is, anyways. _

_Until next time, my friends! Now to go watch the last of some chorus-battle awesomeness._


End file.
